Panic at the Bookstore
What happens when I read author bios
I visited Ink & Ivy, a new bookstore that opened near me very recently. I’m living in a haven of small independent bookstores at the moment and I desperately want them all to succeed. So I went shopping.
As I browsed titles in the adorable, eclectic storefront, I couldn’t choose. I wasn’t just indecisive. I started to feel…afraid.
I saw so many dust jackets with beautiful young writers citing their incredible academic credentials and literary accolades. I could barely look at them. And if I bought the books? Well probably their incredible prose would further highlight the talent and achievement that I will never have.
When I read author bios, nefarious thoughts cross my mind. Mean thoughts. Jealous thoughts. Thoughts that I know are lying to me and doing a major disservice to the real people behind these polished photos and blurbs.
Nevertheless, the thoughts come in…
I’ll never be young & beautiful enough
My thoughts: “How are all of these people so young and beautiful? Is anyone old even writing books? And their hair is always perfect and exciting. I could never do my hair like that every day. I couldn’t do my hair that well if you gave me endless time and a library of styling tools.”
Reality: I know people are styled for these author bio photos. This is the photo of them trying their hardest. These women probably do wear ponytails occasionally. They do not ALWAYS look like this. Or maybe she is one of those “hair always done and down” people that I truly do not understand. But I don’t need to understand them--I love ponytails.
Background: Florence Given gave me the phrase “who does she think she is?” - although she generally uses more expletives. I loved her book Women Living Deliciously and would love to lend it to you. You must read the physical copy because of the delectable illustrations.
My life will never be cute enough
My thoughts: “How do people come up with these little blurbs, showing but not telling how frickin adorable they are and somehow how that makes them into an unstoppable creative force? Whose life is so precious? Why is my life mostly about dealing with the feces of various humans, cats, and dogs?”
Reality: Plenty of people could see plenty of little details from my life and find them darling, charming, cute. But also I don’t need to be seen like that. I don’t mind appearing a little rough. Nothing would be worse than people forming expectations of me that I simply cannot meet. Let me be consistently kind and real, even if I can’t be cute.
Background: Sometimes when I go into a bookstore, I visit the location where my own books would be shelved. Just to check in on the neighbors, you know? (I’m often saying hello to the late, prolific and quite successful author Frederik Pohl.) Kate was shelved in the Fantasy stacks at Milwaukee’s Downtown Books.
I’ll never be educated enough
My thoughts: “Nobody will ever take me seriously with my academic and mostly corporate credentials. People are learning things in those MFA classrooms that I will never know, and it will always be painfully obvious to anyone who reads my books that I am an untrained amateur.”
Reality: Nobody cares. Well maybe some publishers care, but it’s not make-or-break. And I’m so happy right where I am, writing with my family and not working in some critique group with a bunch of younger people who are just trying to prove themselves.
WISER reality: I probably could use some critique partners, but right now I need to feel good about what I would be putting out there to critique. A mentor.
Background: This is one of the titles I ended up buying while I was in Ink & Ivy bookstore questioning my worth.
I’ll never be witty enough
My thoughts: “All these authors are just so sparkling and clever. Look at his Twitter handle. I bet he says such unmatched witty shit on there. Who even has enough witty things to say to be on text-only social media. And people who also work in writers rooms? Making up clever shit just on the spot? Please stop bullying me.”
Reality: Bitch, please, you can handle yourself in any room. But also: it’s not worth chasing something that you’re not. Nobody is interested in me trying to act like someone else.
Background: I had low-to-mixed expectations for Lev Grossman’s event at the Wisconsin Book Festival (I sort of expect white male fantasy authors to be a bit cringe). But I actually loved every minute and was not disappointed to meet a hero. Peek the extra embellishments that my kids added to this signed copy.
I’ll never be confident enough
My thoughts: “These authors seem to understand exactly what makes them…them. They are so fully embodied in their purpose. This is the photo of a person who is perfectly self-possessed and self-ordained and never wavers in her goals.”
Reality: Again, these are perfect snapshots in time. Maybe these people are just effortlessly bold and assured. But more likely most of them have many moments and days and even months of self-doubt.
Background: I have a very big creative crush on Amie McNee, which you probably already know if you see me re-posting her instagram content all the time. I haven’t read this book yet, foolishly saving it for the perfect moment to start.
Why do I get myself in such a tizzy?
I’m willing to say such mean little things about these authors and about myself! I can really paint a very grim picture of a place where’s there’s not enough room for me on these book shelves and there’s absolutely zero chance anyone will ever read my own author bio.
It’s scary to have something that I want very badly feel so out of reach.
So I look to the SuperKitties…
(Yes, it’s a children’s television reference.)
In the “Howloween Cat” episode, Ginny coaches her feline super-crew that they don’t need to be quite so worried about the mythical candy-stealing cat. The noises they’re hearing probably have a logical explanation.
All these pessimistic thoughts? I know they are complete inventions.
There’s no use in comparing myself to other people doing the same thing I’m trying to do. There’s no use in trying to predict the future. Our imaginations are powerful but wholly inaccurate when it comes to prophesying. There’s no way to tell who will get a spot on those book shelves (or whatever marker of success your striving toward).
EVERYONE already has a spot working on whatever creation they’re called to. Even if it feels amateurish now. Even if it’s only a tiny bit of a time. Even if it’s only for yourself. Even if it’s only an audience of 1 or 2 or 10.
You’re not in competition with the most successful people. You’re not even in competition with yourself. There IS NO competition.
There is only day in and day out: creating the work, learning from it, trying to enjoy it.
And if you’re doing the work, then that makes everyone else your COLLEAGUE, not your competition. You all have different bios and stories. You all bring different strengths and goodness to the work.
“Who does she think she is?”
I’m going to be honest I looked at the phrase “who does she think she is?” for a little too long and it started to mean something else. Like, who DO I think I am? When I think about myself, who am I imagining?
That’s all we can do - start to create the life that we imagine.
